The Republican National Committee announced Friday that it’s ditching the rest of the GOP presidential primary campaign in an attempt to stop Donald Trump from winning the party’s nomination for leader of the free world. Instead, the RNC has scheduled a H-O-R-S-E basketball game at the Palestra between apparent Penn alum Donald Trump and Princeton alum Ted Cruz to be held later on April Fools’ Day afternoon so that if Trump wins, the RNC can claim none of this was real.
The game will be refereed by noted political theorist and Penn President Amy Gutmann, who expressed surprise that her presence would be appreciated at a basketball game at the Palestra. The Palestra was chosen as the venue as a concession to Trump as a Penn alum, and Trump called the Palestra “a very good friend of mine.” But the RNC noted that Cruz is an excellent defender who eschews sportsmanship and is likely to intensely guard Trump even in a game of H-O-R-S-E.
Political pundits said the Palestra was a wise choice of venue because it will get infinitely more pre- and postgame coverage in Philadelphia than the Democratic National Convention that will be held in the city in July.
KenPom projects a zero percent chance of either player winning, but Michael James promised to plan the potential victor’s schedule for the rest of their presidential campaign so that they can game the electoral college as much as possible.