April Fools: Ivy League Tournament will return to Palestra, boast unprecedented star power

Not satisfied that it degraded a 14-0 league finish and an entire double round robin slate for a forgettable Ivy League conference tournament title game debut on ESPN2 and a dramatic spike in league officials’ ultra strength Rolaids tablet consumption during the Penn-Princeton semifinal, the Ivy League announced Friday it was doubling down on the Ivy League Tournament by ratcheting up the tournament weekend’s star power with an eye toward increasing the visibility of the league.

The tournament will be held Thurs.-Sun., Mar. 8-11, 2018 at the Palestra.

“We wanted to follow the idea of having a conference tournament for a celebration of the league and television exposure to its logical conclusion, which means just entertaining everybody for the weekend at all costs,” Ivy League Executive Director Robin Harris said.

Thurs., Mar. 8 will mark the inaugural Ivy slam dunk contest, featuring Miye OniJordan BrunerTrey Phills and Mike Smith.

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April Fools: John Legend pens “One Whining Moment” for 2018 Ivy League Tournament

“One whining moment, it’s all up to you…”

With preliminary talks among Ivy League officials revealing that the Palestra is likely to host the conference tournament again next season, the league commissioned Penn ‘99 alum John Legend to compose a totally original song called “One Whining Moment” to encourage more Princeton fans to attend the tourney next year out of disappointment that more fans didn’t attend the inaugural tilt last month.

Here are the official lyrics to “One Whining Moment”:

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April Fools: Georgetown rejects Princeton offense, Amaker rejects Georgetown

The Princeton offense actually pulled off an upset against Georgetown last Thursday, as John Thompson III was fired by GU.

Despite a body of work that included 13 years of overall winning (65.3 percent winning clip), no scandals, and a highly respectable family tradition, Georgetown decided it couldn’t stand watching the Princeton offense anymore.

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April Fools: Mike and David McLaughlin switch places for entire season, no one notices

Shocking Ivy hoops fans, Dartmouth men’s basketball coach David McLaughlin and Penn women’s basketball coach Mike McLaughlin revealed Saturday that they had switched places the entire 2016-17 season and coached one another’s team – and nobody noticed.

“It’s really disappointing,” Mike McLaughlin said. “It shows how few fans, even Penn folks, are paying attention to the women’s game.”

“I still don’t think anybody knows who I am,” David McLaughlin said.

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April Fools: Ivy League approves four-point line for next season despite Columbia’s objections

Jim Engles shopping for stilts for Mike Smith.

 

The Ivy League Presidents approved a plan late Friday night presented by a subcommittee of athletic directors honoring the coaches’ desire to institute a four-point line in league play starting next season.

The four-point line will be implemented for conference play only as an experiment fervently wished for by the league’s coaches.

“We figured, since the league set a Pomeroy-era Division I record this year by taking 40 percent of our shots from three-point range this year, we think we’d know how to cash in from even deeper,” said Princeton coach Mitch Henderson, looking momentarily up from his KenPom account.

The four-point line will lie in the shape of an arc 30 feet back from the basket.

Ivy coaches are confident that Steph Curry’s popularity will eventually create a demand for a four-point line.

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April Fools: Cornell coach Brian Earl not letting having two first names stop him anymore

“Guys, I may have two first names, but can we forget about that and just move forward?” (Cornell Daily Sun)

He may look like a well-adjusted ambivert on the outside, but Brian Earl’s got a heavy weight on his shoulders.

He feels it every time he signs an autograph at Aladdin’s Natural Eatery. Every time his former clients at Sallie Mae ask him for another student loan. Every time he listens to the Dixie Chicks.

It’s his name.

All his life, Brian Earl has had to deal with having two first names. To him, “Coach Earl” never had the same ring as “Coach Carmody” or even the rarely used “Kibitzer Carril.”

And as he was driving back from his introductory press conference, it him like a ton of bricks.

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April Fools: Ivy League considering Mohegan Sun, other options for next conference tournament

Obviously better than the Palestra.

 

The Ivy League has a good problem on its hands – there are just so many intriguing options for where the league can hold its next postseason conference tournament.

Ivy League Executive Director Robin Harris said one choice at the top of many Ancient Eight officials’ list is Mohegan Sun in Uncasville, Conn.

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April Fools: Ivy League Tournament tiebreakers changed for 2018

To: Tom Beckett (Yale University), Dr. M. Grace Calhoun (University of Pennsylvania), Jack Hayes (Brown University), Mollie Marcoux (Princeton University), Andy Noel (Cornell University), Peter Pilling (Columbia University), Robert Scalise (Harvard University), Harry Sheehy (Dartmouth College)

From: Robin Harris, Executive Director

Date: April 1, 2017

Re: Changes to 2017-2018 Ivy League Tournament Tiebreakers

Due to the confusion to our student-athletes, athletic directors, presidents and fans regarding the tiebreaker scenarios, we at the Ivy League have decided to make things more clear for the 2017-18 season.

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