After the March 29 decommitment of Penn recruit Jule Brown, in a stunning reversal of fortune, the rest of the entire 2015 recruiting class for the Quakers has decided to decommit as well. Colin McManus, Jake Silpe, Tyler Hamilton, Jackson Donahue, Max Rothschild and Morris Esformes, all called new head coach Steve Donahue to inform him of their decision.
“I don’t know what to say,” a bewildered Coach Donahue told IHO. “But I made it to the Sweet Sixteen with a bunch of state-funded douchebags from Cornell, I think I can make it the Final Four with the team we got here now. This is Philly basketball. You think Kentucky can handle Darien Nelson-Henry? I wish the young guys well.”
Penn athletic director Grace Calhoun was also sanguine.
“Ah, no comment at this time,” Calhoun said.
Then, in even more stunning news, all six are now reportedly matriculating at Harvard. When reached for comment on his yacht, coach Tommy Amaker was noncommittal.
“You know, I was like just sittin’ here watchin’ Duke in the NCAAs and like, all these Penn kids start callin’ me up and said they wanted to come here,” Amaker said. “At first, I was like, ‘This is a joke, right?’, but they told me they wanted to play JV ball here. I dunno, things just come to me what can I tell ya.”
Apparently the recent departure of Jerome Allen has devastated the incoming youths. Some were reportedly receiving counseling after the loss. “I’ve been to the shrink like six times already,” one recruit said, trying to hold back his tears. “Even though I never played for the man, he had an awesome wardrobe and I really hoped to get some tips so I could get my Mac Daddy Flash on, you know? I mean coach Allen’s The Man. ” Then he paused as the tears began to fall, “Tell me, how … how am I gonna look in class now?”
It is unclear how Penn hoops will cope without an incoming freshman class, but Donahue has an innovative idea, “ This year we had two soccer players on the varsity, so I figure we take one guy from every varsity sport. You know, the football player would play the four spot, the heavyweight crew guy would play the five spot and then get some little guys from tennis or fencing to play the point. Voila, it’s done.”